The Ox and The Scorpion: Cheating
I met a boy for coffee the other day. We are at that get-to-know-each-other-do-we-like-each-other? stage. I am sort of rambling...all this nervous energy to expend. The herbal infusion called "calm" that I'm drinking is not doing a darn thing. (For all you coupled folks out there, I would like to remind you that dating his not easy. You have to be "on" and present one of your better selves but not your best.)
In typical blunt fashion, I look at him and ask, "Are you married?" He laughs and shakes his head. Of course he could be lying, but somehow it's better if you make them lie directly to your face. There is no "it never came up" or "there was never a good time" to deal with in the end.
Almost all of us have done it, at least at one point in our lives. It's just so hard to stay faithful. Temptations abound, the grass looks greener, we say we will only look but then....
I am guilty of cheating. I have been on all sides. I've stepped out; I've been stepped out on; and I've been stepped out with. With cell phones, e-mail, and our hectic lives, cheating is easier than it's ever been. We have direct ways to communicate these days. There is no going up stairs to take the call or hang ups in the night.
As cheating has gotten easier, people have resorted to more desperate measures to ensure their partners are true. One friend's girlfriend hacked into his e-mail account and another friend admits to checking the messages on her boyfriend's cell.
And of course, most of us get caught. It's only a matter of time. We humans are more transparent than we would like to believe. Maybe there is no lipstick on the collar or someone else's scent, but there are other signs. We see new interests, new tricks in bed, or familiarity with a place you don't think they've ever been. And if your affair ends badly...well, let's just say it's not a pretty sight. What's that saying? Hell hath no fury...
In typical blunt fashion, I look at him and ask, "Are you married?" He laughs and shakes his head. Of course he could be lying, but somehow it's better if you make them lie directly to your face. There is no "it never came up" or "there was never a good time" to deal with in the end.
Almost all of us have done it, at least at one point in our lives. It's just so hard to stay faithful. Temptations abound, the grass looks greener, we say we will only look but then....
I am guilty of cheating. I have been on all sides. I've stepped out; I've been stepped out on; and I've been stepped out with. With cell phones, e-mail, and our hectic lives, cheating is easier than it's ever been. We have direct ways to communicate these days. There is no going up stairs to take the call or hang ups in the night.
As cheating has gotten easier, people have resorted to more desperate measures to ensure their partners are true. One friend's girlfriend hacked into his e-mail account and another friend admits to checking the messages on her boyfriend's cell.
And of course, most of us get caught. It's only a matter of time. We humans are more transparent than we would like to believe. Maybe there is no lipstick on the collar or someone else's scent, but there are other signs. We see new interests, new tricks in bed, or familiarity with a place you don't think they've ever been. And if your affair ends badly...well, let's just say it's not a pretty sight. What's that saying? Hell hath no fury...
posted by the grocer's daughter at 11:15 AM
5 Comments:
i have to disagree with you that cheating has become easier with cell phones and email. i actually think it has become much harder, because you are more accessible than ever. you can't just make an excuse and go out for a few hours without worrying about your SO calling you. the ability to be in constant contact definitely cuts down on the opportunities.
and yes, there will almost always be signs of cheating, but the main reason people get caught is because they get sloppy and actually leave evidence lying around somewhere, even when they think their homefree. eventually, everyone gets cavalier about it.
Questions for discussion:
Is it true that women are more likely to cheat in the context of overlapping two relationships temporarily during the switch, while men are more likely to try to run two in parallel as a goal in itself?
What is the moral position of the "stepped out with" when they are not close to the "stepped out on"? Can we say all the moral responsibility is on the "stepping out"? If not, isn't it somehow patronizing for the "stepped out with" to be the one to make the moral choice?
Comment:
Temptations don't abound for all of us, you know. ;)
shoot me if i'm ever in a relationship with someone who hacks my email
As my sister once warned me, whenever you cheat, there is always someone else that knows ... the person you cheated with. Having someone share your secret is always iffy, complicates things. So you better make sure you both have something to lose by having the fling.
I don't think overlap counts as cheating.
As far as moral implications, if you are in the relationship, it is your job to be faithful. But both couples and friends count as relationships.
If the "stepping out with" doesn't know the "stepping out on," I think you have to decide how you would feel if everyone found out. While the person may cheat anyway, they don't have to cheat with you. You're not making the moral choice for the committed person; you are making the moral choice for yourself.
I still think it's easier in this day and age. You may be more accessible to your SO, but you are also more accessible to your lover. Your lover can send an e-mail at anytime without your SO knowing. You just schedule time with your lover when you are supposedly doing things that would make you unreachable by cell (meeting, movie with the girls, business dinner, etc).
Wait, wait, wait. ghost writer, are we talking about when both parties are unaware of each other or when the SO is unaware and the lover is aware? The both unaware thing is just asking for trouble. I would be very impressed with someone who could pull that off. (Er..um..not that successful cheating should be something one strives for...)
not counting an overlap as cheating is definitely rationalizing the cheating. i think that might be the worst kind, because if you are already emotionally devested in your current relationship with one foot out the door, why not just end it quickly and free yourself from all restraints?
i agree that the "stepped out with" is making a moral choice mostly for him/herself. but there's still a consideration of karma and, well, consideration towards others.
i was talking about any and all instances of cheating, aware or not by the lover. obviously, it's much harder to keep both parties in the dark, but it might actually be easier to keep from getting caught by implementing that strategy. then you run less risk of having your lover know your secret and exposing you.
Post a Comment
<< Home